So, in high school everyone praised me for having such a high GPA, getting into a great college, and playing baseball while also editing the yearbook and being in Honor Society. I had few real friends and kind of just blended in, coming home to mess around and study. I worked extremely hard on my writing, getting tutors to ensure A’s and high SAT scores, and I was a total detail-oriented person in every way, even diligently studying the Driver’s Ed book…and cropping photos for the yearbook like it was for National Geographic. I thought that as long as I did all those things then everything would be great in my life. Unfortunately, not the case…
Fast forward 2004 to now, I’ve had friendships start, end…I’ve been hated, loved, praised, mocked. I’ve done masterful work in college, I’ve also done lazy work in college. I’ve been so anxious to get a 4.0 at times that I took Xanax to dull the nervousness but since about a year ago I just feel like I want to graduate and get out of there and I don’t stress the classes or my grades that much, just care about passing as it’s my last semester.
I smoked almost 2 packs a day for half a year due to school/interpersonal anxiety. I quit that 1.5 years ago. I got into shape and dropped 50 pounds while cutting my body fat to about 12% and looking really ripped. I became disillusioned with the fact that it didn’t get a nice girlfriend so I put back some of the fat from before and it’s kind of like that time and effort was wasted at the gym. I tried to transform myself into a Pickup artist from reading ‘The Game’ to find strategies to get women at bars to like you. I became very outgoing with women and they responded, but again, it was either superficial banter at the bar or a superficial relationship that hurt me more than helped me.
I tried to find the Lord recently and bring myself to Jesus. I was saved (hopefully) and baptized at a Baptist church. I thought I would fit in there…but I didn’t, they taught all these rules on what I could and couldn’t do and I couldn’t understand their hatred of all things ‘normal’ as well as Catholics and things like that. After having found a haven in the Church and being an active member like 2 or 3 days week for several months, I ended up telling them goodbye and never looking back. I do love Jesus and have a cross tattoo on my arm that I absolutely love, but I guess I don’t love him as much as I should since I don’t pray, repent regularly, or even pick up my KJV Bible.
My best friend of 11 years basically cut all ties with me for no apparent reason. My other friend just graduated with a degree in Econ from a great school but he was just taken to a psych ER for having semi-delusional thoughts and anxiety…I feel bad for him, but he’ll be straight. My other friend is a 33 year old pick up artist who lives with his parents and always wants me to club with him to meet girls, yet he is very awkward but sort of good at getting laid. I’ve tried to become a Jersey-shore type character where I dress with a huge cross and all fancy clothes, girls tell me I’m cute but that makes me feel even worse cuz I’ve been told that for years but I haven’t had a relationship that has made me happy…just random, physically-satisfying sex that makes me feel miserable afterwards.
I go to a therapist and he’s the only person in my life who I trust wholeheartedly. He guides me in the right direction and understands that I’m at times brilliant. Most people think I’m a goofball…a lot of people think I’m highly intelligent, but perhaps somewhat silly. No one at school really knows me other than as a superficial character that I portray. I tend to open up to people too quickly, put myself out there and be a people pleaser, and also tend to idealize people and put them on a pedestal after not having known them that long, just because they “seem” nice.
Now, everywhere I go…bars, clubs, strippers, prostitutes, girls off Craigslist who want nothing but sex, I keep getting questioned as to where I work, why did I quit a cushy govt job where I couldve been making 70 thousand in 5 years, and where I work now. I tell them I’m just studying full time, directing student films. They ask me why I still live at home. Why I’m not applying to grad school or looking to make something of myself? What is my drive…am I gonna move out to L.A. to become a big-time filmmaker? I don’t have the answer to any of these questions.
I’m just existing…trying not to die, not to hurt people in any way other than my occasional rudeness which I’m working on…I want to feel good, avoid pain, have sex, be loved, make videos that touch people in some way, show people that I’m creative, prove to people that I’m smart who think I’m silly. What does it mean to be a success? When I had a job at SSA no one wanted me…now no one really wants me either who I consider relationship-worthy, but they taunt me with these questions as to what I’m doing with my life as if they
Actually, I think your problem is that the modern day definition of success DOESN’T elude you.
Pity. Maybe it should.
Have you ever thought about the fact that you are actually asleep right now? I know you think you’re not because you compare this state (ordinary "consciousness") with the FIRST state, that state we call ’sleep’, in the ordinary meaning.
And then, after 8 hours, you wake up. But not really. You simply ascend into the second state of consciousness.
The third state of consciousness is your BIRTHRIGHT. But you are so involved with "A" influence, you can’t get there. Very few people can. What persons in history have penetrated the third state of consciousness? Abraham Lincoln; Walt Whitman; William Shakespeare; Benjamin Franklin; Johann Goethe; Hans Christian Andersen; Lewis Carroll; Elizabeth the First;
"In the country of the blind, the man with one eye is king."
For persons who reach the fourth state of consciousness, their mind is raised to a level almost inconceivable. With those persons, their passing (like the wake of a ship) often creates RELIGIONS. Not that that was their aim. Their aim was to teach people to lift their consciousness into another realm.
And here YOU are, dicking around with THINGS. With idiotic pursuits as if they had any value whatsoever.
You’d better wake up brother. None of this shiit is free. You don’t know how many recurrences you have left. But you will always be re-living THIS life. The only one you know. Perhaps that seems rather tedious, metaphysically, to you. If you don’t start using the proper tools for waking up, making the correct efforts, getting help from some person, somewhere, who has already woken up, then you’re chances of escape are slim and none.
Pay attention to my sources. I’m not saying them for my health.
March 10th, 2010 at 11:04 pm
im sorry., too long make it shorter an ill understand it morehahahah
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March 10th, 2010 at 11:09 pm
I too do not find answers to any of these questions.
References :
0wn
March 10th, 2010 at 11:16 pm
Actually, I think your problem is that the modern day definition of success DOESN’T elude you.
Pity. Maybe it should.
Have you ever thought about the fact that you are actually asleep right now? I know you think you’re not because you compare this state (ordinary "consciousness") with the FIRST state, that state we call ’sleep’, in the ordinary meaning.
And then, after 8 hours, you wake up. But not really. You simply ascend into the second state of consciousness.
The third state of consciousness is your BIRTHRIGHT. But you are so involved with "A" influence, you can’t get there. Very few people can. What persons in history have penetrated the third state of consciousness? Abraham Lincoln; Walt Whitman; William Shakespeare; Benjamin Franklin; Johann Goethe; Hans Christian Andersen; Lewis Carroll; Elizabeth the First;
"In the country of the blind, the man with one eye is king."
For persons who reach the fourth state of consciousness, their mind is raised to a level almost inconceivable. With those persons, their passing (like the wake of a ship) often creates RELIGIONS. Not that that was their aim. Their aim was to teach people to lift their consciousness into another realm.
And here YOU are, dicking around with THINGS. With idiotic pursuits as if they had any value whatsoever.
You’d better wake up brother. None of this shiit is free. You don’t know how many recurrences you have left. But you will always be re-living THIS life. The only one you know. Perhaps that seems rather tedious, metaphysically, to you. If you don’t start using the proper tools for waking up, making the correct efforts, getting help from some person, somewhere, who has already woken up, then you’re chances of escape are slim and none.
Pay attention to my sources. I’m not saying them for my health.
References :
The Fourth Way - P. D. Ouspensky
March 11th, 2010 at 12:04 am
You’re an independent thinker alright, and that means your road is going to be a long, lonely and difficult one. It also means you’ll have trouble fitting in with most people, or will not be able to appreciate them, That does NOT, however, make you a failure. You’ll need to find your niche, and focus on that. And stop hankering after everyone else’s approval. You most likely won’t get it. Focus on winning you own approval and be satisfied with that. As for relationships, you’ll have to keep looking. I said most people, not all people.
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